Finding the courage to do what is right for the child

I know that it is actually the child that suffers when his/her parents are fighting. It is just hard to always be the one to have to back off because I am tired of my son suffering. When is enough going to be enough. I will admit that I have let my emotions get the best of me more than once and have said things about my son's dad right to him, yes I know that is wrong and I do not do it intentionally. It is hard having to stand back and watch the way my son's dad chooses to raise him on his weeks, and who he has my son being taking around. My son's dad has always bought his affection, I cannot afford to give my son the things that his dad can afford to give him. His dad fought to not have to pay me child support, and kept it in court and would not give up with all of his slander and parent alienation about me to my son. So of course I went ahead and agreed to him not paying me child support because of my son and I just wanted it out of the court. My son was really tired of all of the court fights/battles. I wished I would have kept on fighting him because his income quadruples mine. I know it is not about the money, obviously because I chose not to get anything for my sons sanity. When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. It is just hard always being to one to have to give up, or give in or not do anything back to him because he does not care enough to spare my sons feelings. All I know is children need the love of both parents and should never be asked to choose between the two most important people in their lives. I love my son with all of my heart and I am afraid of what all this is going to do to him in his adult years. His dad is the true definition of a smug ass. He can definitly turn it on when he needs to, and it always seems like everyone buys his lies and his stories I think I am the only one who knows him for what he really is.